Dare 33 - Heading Towards the Future Together

First off, I have to laugh at the scripture reference.....

"If two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?" - Ecclesiastes 4:11

I'm PRETTY sure we're not talking about what it looks like we're talking about.  Honestly, I THINK the point is that together we generate progress that can't possibly be achieved by oneself.

I followed the directions and talked to Ron about working together.  We both feel that we do work well together when we have common goals.  But there are times when our vision is completely opposites.  Retirement is a good example.


Ron really wants to retire to .....

I want to retire anywhere that has.....

I do worry whether we can find happy mediums in these goals.  Right now, we have problems even taking vacations together.  Ron is such a risk taker....I mean real REAL scary stuff.

Okay, maybe not quite this bad, but then again...... he can be really, really scary.

Yup, that's Ron, on top of a bridge.  This, my friends, is NOTHING

I really want him to be happy, but I also want him to be careful and ...well.....alive would be good.

So how do we have a happy medium when we feel so diametrically opposed in this matter?  Ron wouldn't be happy being tied down, but I am constantly afraid of him or someone else getting hurt.  I think I have reason to fear.  He's constantly living on the edge, convinced that he has some sort of super power keeping him safe.  I don't think there is any such thing a being protected from being stupid (I know, that sounds so mean - but that's how the courts, the rescue team, innocent by-standers and the evening news would view it too).

So do I really stop worrying?  Well, I've been trying to.  Unless it's a circumstance where someone is in definite danger (Ron on a cell phone while driving is a good example), I am working on letting him have the room he needs.  I'm just not at the point where I can be with him when he's doing his death defying acts.  If I am there, I'm not happy!

But I appreciate him, and I recognize that Ron just plain has more fun than I do.  I can understand that my way (the SAFE way) isn't always the ONLY way.

But I still can't watch.

Next Challenge - Day 34  Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way.  Verbally commend then for this at some point today.

Psalm 101:2  I will behave myself wisely in a perfect way.  O when wilt though come unto me?  I will walk within my house with a perfect heart.

Dare 30 AND 31 AND 32 - United Together

I'm stuck.  I've tried to work on it.  All in all, I think Ron and I are pretty united in most things, but there are those things where it's just a matter of who get's their way.  That's the way of marriage, though, isn't it? 

Somehow, this particular challenge doesn't seem to be such an issue to me, and I've pondered on it long enough.  The next dare is the same:

Dare 31  Is there a "leaving" issue you haven't been brave enough to conquer yet?  Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right.  The oneness of your marriage is dependent upon it.  Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship.

I'm married to Ron for time and eternity.  It is the greatest blessing of my life. We've had rough times in the past and who knows what the future holds - but the one thing I am sure it does hold is being married to Ron.

So, I've nothing more to address - time for the next dare.

Dare 32:  Oops - this is about intimacy.  I accept the challenge, but I am NOT going to talk about it.  I've always felt that it is the most sacred part of my relationship with Ron. 

So, zooming through - we find ourselves at...

Next Challenge -Dare 33:  Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success.  Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel.  If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you.

"If two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?" - Ecclesiastes 4:11

Dare 29 - I love you, I love you, I LOVE you!

Well, I have absolutely NO problem telling Ron that I love him.  The bigger problem is praying.  I mean, I pray - but I don't do it very WELL.  I am so hyper, I either loose my train of thought, fall asleep, or can't think of a thing to say.  It's all quite sad, I'm afraid.  I'm sure Heavenly Father just shakes his head at me.

Still, I decided to take this quite seriously.  "Dear Heavenly Father, bless my husband.  Because I LOVE him."  We kneel down every morning - rolling out of bed before we do anything else.  I found myself just stopping and hugging him. 

I love praying for him, his health, his happiness, his needs.  I get so excited when I see those prayers answered.

Ron, by the way is such a man of prayer.  He can pray for hours.  Sometimes it's just annoying!

Next Challenge - Day #30 - Isolate one area of division in  your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it.  Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse.  Pray that He would do the same for them.  And if appropriate, discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity.

Ephesians 5:25  Husbands, love your wives (wives, love your husbands), even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Dare 28 - But what do you NEED?

I asked Ron if he had any unfulfilled needs.  He was as stumped as I was.

So I figured out that I had to come up with something on my own.

...and I did!

There is something Ron asked for this week:

He REALLY wants to use the fireplace.  We have all this wood and this perfectly good wood stove.  We just read that electrcity is going to go up 8% this month.  It's gonna cost so much to use the heater this winter. 

Ma and I are dubious, especially since the wood stove is in her area, but since she's at my sister's this week I decided it would be a good time to experiment.  Next he asked if I would consider keeping it stoked in the daytime. 

I said no.  I was pretty sure Ma wouldn't like all that heat in the daytime.

Then I thought about it again....and I did it because he wanted it. 

I found out that it doesn't get too hot if I keep it going and use whole pieces of wood rather than chopped up raw wood.  AND keep the dampers shut completely down so it burns slower.

Unfortunately I learned it by getting Ma's apartment up to 80 degrees.

Sure glad she's not here while I learn all this.

Now the fun part.  Seeing if I can get Ma to go along with it.  It sure would save money, but if I don't do this right she's not going to be happy.  I hate having Ma unhappy more than I hate having Ron unhappy (which is why I said "no" first time.).

So, I'm going to trust God and Ron and do my best.

....and I'll let you know.

Next Challenge - Dare 29  Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs.  Whether it comes easy for you or not, say “I love you,” then express love to them in some tangible way.  Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person – unconditionally, the way He loves both of you.

Ephesians 6:7 With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men:

Dare 27 - I'm sorry for being so hard about being so hard

"I'm sorry that I'm difficult sometimes about wanting things to be my way, honey".

"Uh huh..." he mumbles, looking intently at his computer.

Tap, tap, tap, tap (that's my foot on the floor)

"I'm so sorry honey that I lose my patience when you don't give me attention when I'm asking for it", I say a little louder.

His eyes turn towards me - even if his head still stays pointed at the screen.

"Like now......" I point out.

"Oh," he says, as he breaks his computer trance.  "Oh, yes.  Ha ha ha.  Yes.  I get it."

Okay, that's better.

"I love ya honey", I say sincerely.


Next Challenge - What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse's life right now?  Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part?  Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet the need.

Galatians 6:2  Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Dare 26 - Forgiveness in Return

So I asked Ron to forgive me for being unfair and unkind.

He said 'huh, sure'.

So there you go.

Simply Ron

Next Challenge - Dare 27  Think of one area where your spouse has told you you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it.

Psalm 25:20  O keep my soul, and deliver me: let me not be ashamed ; for I put my trust in thee.

Dare 25 - True Forgiveness

Warning - this is going to be messy.  Probably shouldn't post it....gonna have to think about it before I hit 'publish'.

Ron is Bi-Polar.  He just is.  He tried for years to hide from it.  I tried many times to push it on him.  We can talk about it now, but we couldn't for years.  It's been hard on both of us.  I can't imagine what it's like for him - grand, glorious, hard, ugly, confusing, infuriating, humbling, binding, exciting and soooooooo scary.  As I mentioned yesterday, I am jealous of Ron because he has such freedoms - because "HEY", he's Bi-Polar, ya know.  He can just say "I can't help myself".

Yet he is in a bondage that I will never have to face.....ever.  So there are times that he has been less than stellar.  He has said things and acted in a way that was frightening, out of line, or just off center.  There's no such thing as relaxing around Ron.  One of the things that kept me sane was the fun of being with someone as unique, exciting and talented as Ron.  So it bothered me quite a bit when I started reading over the signs and symptoms of Bi-Polar (ism?).

So much of what's unique about Ron I found out isn't so much.  The daredevil antics, the brazen confidence, keeping groups of people enthralled with his stories.

That was just Ron being Bi-Polar. 

Then again, the comments that flatten me out on the floor, the inability to say sorry or "I was wrong".  The need to always come out on top.  Death wishes, driving like a mad man, scaring people, taking ridiculous risks.  Well, you get the idea.

That's just Ron being Bi-Polar.


So adjustments had to be made.  I've had to keep the house quiet.  I've had to hide stressful situations - or plan how to get Ron prepared to meet them.  I've had to tone down holidays and preplan vacations to the minutest detail.  I've had to bite my tongue.  I've had to forgive and forget so many times I couldn't possibly count them.  I've had to get over being terrified.....really, really terrified.  And being called out, and saying something incorrectly....and being so embarrassed I wanted to crawl under the table and die.  I've had to make sure that there was SOMEWHERE Ron could go to get away form the noise and turmoil less he were to BLOW HIS LID in front of God and everybody.  I've had to be the responsible one....the calm one.  I certainly had to hide my tears or fears because  - of course - Ron couldn't handle them.  Most of all, I had to hide myself, because during these episodes there was no room for Nina in the Jones house.  And it made me mad and resentful and that anger and resentment changed me.  And so did the fear.  There's nothing quite like the fear of not knowing whether your husband could make it through another day - well, unless it was the fear of not knowing whether it would be your husband or children who would self destruct first.* see note below

But that is Bi-Polar World.  Sometimes it's a rainbow of bright flashy colors, other times it's black and white....and here and there it's just plain ol' black.  And that is the life I entered into.  And as much as I've been afraid of it, and resentful of it, it's also given me opportunities and life experiences that the normal family will never EVER know.  At the very least, it certainly keeps the dinner conversation interesting.

So I've been pondering a lot on today's scripture.  "Forgive  Ron, for he knows not what he does".

I obviously need to let it all go and just forgive him.  No, maybe I need to go even farther than that.  I need to accept him.   Everyone has ups and downs, every marriage has its challenges.  But I really wouldn't give up my life with Ron.  Lord knows - after all - Ron has a lot that he has to put up with me and my basket of personal paranoia.  And lest I paint an unbalanced picture, Ron brings SO much joy to our marriage - passion, excitement, talent, perfection (nobody will do a better job on anything - ever), dedication, hard work and lots and lots of love.  My life is scary - exciting - challenging and where I want to be - most of the time at least.  How lucky am I?

You know, I've known this forever.  Just been fighting it.  I look so good being the patient, long suffering wife.  But here's the big secret ....... It's all a facade.  That's not really me at all.

I heard a quote today that really wraps it up.

"Marriage is an act of faith, the holiest of all promises and you have got to believe in one another.  If one of you starts to doubt, then it's kind of like letting a weed take over.  After you've worked hard planting and nurturing something beautiful, the last thing you want is weeds choking it out."

Time to pluck out the weeds, baby.

* It is EXTREMELY important to point out that Ron has never ever EVER laid a hand on me.  That, as they say, would be a deal breaker.  No one should tolerate physical abuse - and mental abuse is nigh unto it....if Ron called me names or was hateful, that would also be intolerable.  Ron is a good man, and I am safe.  Just in case anyone was worried - thank you - but no need.

Next Challenge - Dare 26: Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing.  Ask for God’s forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse.  Do it sincerely and truthfully.  Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well.  No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love.  Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.

Romans 2:1  Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things.