lazy, warm days

Take a snapshot!  Life, for this moment, is good.  Lovely.  Peaceful.

Don't know how long it will last, but for now - - - - ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Painting of Sequim area

Still obsessing about the weight....but I'm getting there

I'm hoping this s my last posting about weight for a while, but no promises.  Sorry.

I have hit 142.  No, Veronica, I promise, its not too low.  I have studied it out and I'm pretty much there in the center of perfect.  If I hit 140, I will still be fine. After 139, I think it would be safe to say that I was going too far.  I'm giving those parameters because it is now time for me to move over to maintenance.  I can't do that all at once, I've tried and I just jump right into full blown panic.  Obviously I'm going to have to ease my way into it.  So, losing 3 pounds while I process and change will be acceptable (whereas gaining 3 won't kill me, it would just feel like it had. 

I am adding other foods back into my life right now.  Some dairy for my bones, and protein for energy.  I actually had a full dessert yesterday...a piece of apple pie.  I fused and had nightmares all night over it, and then, in the morning....I still weighed less than the day before.

Huh.  Imagine that.

Playing it a little safer today...but the big test comes in 10 days when I spend 5 days at Girls Camp.  I thought about it for a bit, and decided that my best bet was to figure out the calories beforehand (I have the complete menu) and to bring substitutions on the days that it just went beyond my comfort zone.  Surprisingly enough, there are a number of meals that I will be just fine for, and I have found some prepackaged meals for those times that aren't.  I also upped my calorie count to what I'm sure is a reasonable level for the week - just a smidge. 

As far as my attitude?  It's very much improving.  I'm still shocked and somewhat confused every time I look in a mirror or slide on a pair of size 6 pants....but I've really been enjoying the pretty wardrobe and am feeling more in control and organized than I have for quite a while.  My house is clean, my garden is producing beautiful and delicious food, I am getting prepared for camp (I'm in charge of organizing for 14 girls and 3 adults).  Ron and I are spending quality time together.  Yeah, I'd say its going good.  Still a bit emotional and cranky at times (ask the hubby), but not bad, considering.

And that, I guess we could say, is my report.

Next time I write, I think it will be about church adventures - or the camp adventure - or the gardening adventure, ANYTHING but the weight (mis)adventure, eh?
 

Dressapalooza!

I recently posted on Facebook that my husband gave me the once in a lifetime gift of an evening with a fashion consultant, a Nordstrum dressing room full of beautiful clothes and a budget (an amazingly generous one.)

So, per the request of some family members, here are a few of the clothing combinations.

Me and my $100 jeans (oh my)

Blue floral top and some pull-on jeans

With the jacket and leggings

With the jeans jacket and leggings

Peasant blouse and pull on jeans

Battenburg skirt with the black jacket

Simple black skirt with the jeans jacket

purple cardigan with black jersey pencil skirt

Not as pink as it looks shirt

Lace overshirt

With black jacket and those crazy $100 pants

I also purchased three t-shirts, of all things.  Black, blue and white.

I've actually got one more shirt coming - an amazing orange pullover with beautiful chinese designs.  But basically, thats it....for now.

Oh, did I mention that I ordered a bathing suit, right?  Its a workout style...not posting pics of that.  You should be glad.

This side of normal - I've hit goal....now what?

I made it!  The "big goal."  The "would she ever obtain it?" goal.  The "this was so hard and frustrating" goal.  The "now I can be happy" goal.

Except....that I'm not happy.   I WANT to be, but I discovered that I have wayyyyyyyy too much baggage to be there - yet.

So what is the situation right now?  I'm at the bottom end what I once had been told was 'the ideal weight for Nina'.  155 would have been about perfect, but once I got there, I still felt that I had excess body weight to lose.  I also  really, REALLY wanted to see the other side of 150 lbs. for the first time in 30 years.  So I kept going.  Through vacation, through family celebrations, through being so hungry I couldn't stand it any longer.  

Don't get me wrong, I am proud of myself - I'm just scared.  How do I stop now?  What if I gain it back?  Yes, I know the logical answers, like - "just gradually add healthy food back in," and "keep a realistic perspective of things."

The problem is, I'm a Bulimic - not the finger down the throat kind.  No, my problem is alllll psychological.  I can starve myself as easily as I can stuff myself.  I can and have exercised myself into physical destruction.  Food is completely and utterly about the emotions for me...and it is a hard and ugly battle every moment of the day.

I'm not whining.  I'm just laying the ground for my next step, which is finding normal.  It's going to be just as hard, if not much harder than the weight-loss part.

For instance, here is a picture of me at my absolute 228 lbs worse:

...and here I am now. 

Do you see a difference?  I kinda do, but I still look really large to me, even though people are starting to call me skinny and a few are starting to say "you need to stop now".  I don't see it.  I keep re-adjusting my goal and could very easily talk myself into going to 145 or even 140.  These pictures aren't helping, because I just picked the two best.  Okay, so lets be honest and pick the worst:

Uggghhhhhhhhhh.  I'm telling you, THAT is not a skinny person!

So, I know my girls are going to be really frustrated with me, because I'm obsessing again.  Honest, sweet daughters, I am trying - but I'm also really committed to being honest about what I'm feeling so that I can address it head on.  You have been with me through this, you know this ugly brain blight I suffer from.  One of the worse things about Bulimia is the lies - so many, many to myself and to others.  So although I know that I'm not looking at myself correctly, I also know that I'm feeling the full fury of the ugly "B" condition.  I'm assuming that I have to take it out, examine it and come up with how I'm going to address it.  I certainly can't hide from it.  So am I being hard on myself or do I have just a little more to go?  (That's a rhetorical question, not one I want people to weigh in on, because honestly, I won't believe you anyway)

So, it's up to me.  Here are a few ideas:

1. Allow myself to be proud of my accomplishment
2. Work on what I'm really feeling and why so that I don't hide it in eating (or the lack thereof)
3. Be honest 
4. Be responsible
5. List out weekly goals

That's probably the reason for this post - so that I can be honest publicly (well, as public as I can be with just one or two people actually reading this blog.)

So, let's go with Goal #1 really quick:

Ta dah!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I'll keep working on that.

Goal #2 - what am I feeling?  SCARED  and confused

Goal #3 - what is the truth?  Don't know yet - have to find that out somehow.  For this week, the question I need to answer is "have I hit the ideal weight yet or not?"

Goal #4 - how can I do that responsibly?  I could make an appointment with my doctor or I can research it on-line.  Haven't decided yet.

Goal #5 - weekly goal?  Find answers to these questions and then come up with what my next steps are and how to achieve them.

In the meantime - I am glad that I got to this point......just need to move on from here, that's all.

Our Fantastic Vacation to the South 5/12 in mostly pics

Ron, unfortunately just before he
whacks Gareth with his foot

Our Ruth Ellen gets baptized, we're so proud

The Jones Clan - Ruth, Gareth and Ronan

A special day at the Temple

Ron sailing into Jamestown

Visiting my ancestral home - the Pohowtan village in Jamestown, VA

Seeing our darling Maiju - who was our exchanged student from Finland back in 1982-3 in Colonial Williamsburg

We met Patrick Henry

and Thomas Jefferson,

Benedict Arnold!

The colonies rebelled against England

We attended a Crystal Concert - this is a beautiful crystal violin

I had a fantastic venison, rabbit and quail pie

Scenes from Willliamsburg

Then we were off to Edenton, NC where Ron found....turtles.  How that man LOVES turtles!

And we stayed at the gorgeous Pack House Bed and Breakfast

We made some delightful friends, President and Ruth Hansen

And saw some gorgeous homes

How I love yellow houses!

Pretty sure this was Ron's favorite day!

Can you see why?

We then visited with Veronica and our beautiful grandchildren. Here is Amber and I

Ethan and his Mommy

James and Grandpa playing ball

We fell in love with the Hickory/Morganton area of North Carolina

All this water really helped

As did the great people we met

Then we spent a few days touring the Biltmore Estate in Asheville.  This was an amazing blacksmith who made beautiful music with his anvil

Then is was time for the rehearsal dinner of our oldest grandchild, Breanna and her fiance' Austin

Which turned into a great game of Ultimate Frisbee

On Saturday morning, 5/19 our grandson Ritchie graduated from High School

We then attended a most beautiful, fantastic wedding

Bride and her father

Our beautiful Katie and Mattie are the girls in the middle of the pic

Amber with Baby Ethan

Pixie Amber

James Ronald

Veronica and Trina

Trina with her parents, Ron and Jane

Huntington Bed & Breakfast, Murphy, NC  HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

Me and my portable sunshade in beautiful downtown Greenville SC -
last stop before heading home