Saturday, June 9, 2012

This side of normal - I've hit what?

I made it!  The "big goal."  The "would she ever obtain it?" goal.  The "this was so hard and frustrating" goal.  The "now I can be happy" goal.

Except....that I'm not happy.   I WANT to be, but I discovered that I have wayyyyyyyy too much baggage to be there - yet.

So what is the situation right now?  I'm at the bottom end what I once had been told was 'the ideal weight for Nina'.  155 would have been about perfect, but once I got there, I still felt that I had excess body weight to lose.  I also  really, REALLY wanted to see the other side of 150 lbs. for the first time in 30 years.  So I kept going.  Through vacation, through family celebrations, through being so hungry I couldn't stand it any longer.  

Don't get me wrong, I am proud of myself - I'm just scared.  How do I stop now?  What if I gain it back?  Yes, I know the logical answers, like - "just gradually add healthy food back in," and "keep a realistic perspective of things."

The problem is, I'm a Bulimic - not the finger down the throat kind.  No, my problem is alllll psychological.  I can starve myself as easily as I can stuff myself.  I can and have exercised myself into physical destruction.  Food is completely and utterly about the emotions for me...and it is a hard and ugly battle every moment of the day.

I'm not whining.  I'm just laying the ground for my next step, which is finding normal.  It's going to be just as hard, if not much harder than the weight-loss part.

For instance, here is a picture of me at my absolute 228 lbs worse:

...and here I am now. 

Do you see a difference?  I kinda do, but I still look really large to me, even though people are starting to call me skinny and a few are starting to say "you need to stop now".  I don't see it.  I keep re-adjusting my goal and could very easily talk myself into going to 145 or even 140.  These pictures aren't helping, because I just picked the two best.  Okay, so lets be honest and pick the worst:

Uggghhhhhhhhhh.  I'm telling you, THAT is not a skinny person!

So, I know my girls are going to be really frustrated with me, because I'm obsessing again.  Honest, sweet daughters, I am trying - but I'm also really committed to being honest about what I'm feeling so that I can address it head on.  You have been with me through this, you know this ugly brain blight I suffer from.  One of the worse things about Bulimia is the lies - so many, many to myself and to others.  So although I know that I'm not looking at myself correctly, I also know that I'm feeling the full fury of the ugly "B" condition.  I'm assuming that I have to take it out, examine it and come up with how I'm going to address it.  I certainly can't hide from it.  So am I being hard on myself or do I have just a little more to go?  (That's a rhetorical question, not one I want people to weigh in on, because honestly, I won't believe you anyway)

So, it's up to me.  Here are a few ideas:
  1. Allow myself to be proud of my accomplishment
  2. Work on what I'm really feeling and why so that I don't hide it in eating (or the lack thereof)
  3. Be honest 
  4. Be responsible
  5. List out weekly goals
That's probably the reason for this post - so that I can be honest publicly (well, as public as I can be with just one or two people actually reading this blog.)

So, let's go with Goal #1 really quick:

Ta dah!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, I'll keep working on that.

Goal #2 - what am I feeling?  SCARED  and confused

Goal #3 - what is the truth?  Don't know yet - have to find that out somehow.  For this week, the question I need to answer is "have I hit the ideal weight yet or not?"

Goal #4 - how can I do that responsibly?  I could make an appointment with my doctor or I can research it on-line.  Haven't decided yet.

Goal #5 - weekly goal?  Find answers to these questions and then come up with what my next steps are and how to achieve them.

In the meantime - I am glad that I got to this point......just need to move on from here, that's all.

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